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Is it normal for healthy couples to argue?

Is arguing a natural part of every relationship? Have you ever wondered if arguing is standard in every couple? Do you think every couple has to fight and disagree? Or do you believe that some couples never argue and always get along?

The truth is arguing is not a sign of a bad relationship. Arguing can be healthy, beneficial, and even romantic for some couples. However, arguing can also be harmful, destructive, and even abusive to others. The key is to know how to say it in a way that respects, listens, and resolves conflicts.

What are the benefits of arguing in a relationship?

According to experts, arguing in a relationship can have several positive effects on the well-being and happiness of both partners. Some of these benefits are:

Strengthens the bond between partners. Arguing can help couples express their feelings, needs, and desires for each other. It can also help them understand each other better and appreciate their differences. Teams can learn more about each other’s values, beliefs, and goals by sharing their opinions and perspectives. This can increase their trust, intimacy, and commitment to each other.
Improves communication skills. Arguing can help couples practice practical communication skills such as listening actively, asking open-ended questions, paraphrasing what they heard, giving feedback, and using “I” statements. These skills can help them communicate more clearly, honestly, and respectfully with each other. They can also help them avoid misunderstandings, assumptions, and judgments.

Fosters creativity and problem-solving. Debating can help couples generate new ideas and solutions for their problems. It can also help them challenge their assumptions and beliefs about the situation. By discussing constructively, couples can explore different options and alternatives without being defensive or aggressive.

Enhances passion and intimacy. Reasoning can sometimes lead to passionate arguments that involve physical contact or emotional intensity. These arguments can be exciting for both partners, who enjoy the thrill of expressing their feelings or defending their positions. They can also lead to more intimate moments after the argument is resolved.

What are the risks of arguing in a relationship?

While arguing in a relationship may benefit some couples, it may also have risks for others who are not comfortable or skilled in conflict resolution. Some of these risks are:

Damages the relationship. Over time, frequent, intense, or unresolved arguments may damage the relationship by eroding trust, respect, love, or satisfaction between partners. They may also lead to resentment, anger, or bitterness, affecting both partners’ quality of life or happiness.
Creates distance or isolation. Debates avoided, ignored, or suppressed may generate distance or isolation between partners who need to communicate or connect effectively. They may also prevent them from sharing their joys, troubles, or dreams.
Low self-esteem or confidence. If fights are frequent, intense, or unresolved over time, they may lower self-esteem or confidence in both partners who feel insecure, defeated, or hopeless about their relationship. They may also affect their physical health by causing stress, anxiety, or insomnia.

How to argue healthily?

If you want to argue healthily with your partner, here are some tips and strategies that you can follow:

Eliminate relationship disturbances. Before starting an argument, ensure you are calm and relaxed. Avoid negative emotions such as hurt, anger, or resentment that may cloud your judgment or make you say things you don’t mean. Also, avoid distractions such as noise, phone calls, or interruptions that may distract you from the issue.
Commit to a win-win posture. Instead of focusing on who is right or wrong, try to focus on what you want and what your partner wants. Use phrases such as “I want,” “I need,” “I feel,” “I think,” “I believe,” etc., instead of “You always,” “You never,” “You should,” “You must,” etc., to express your feelings and needs. Also, use phrases such as “Can we agree on this?”, “Can we compromise on this?”, “Can we find a solution together?”, “Can we work this out?”, etc., instead of “You always win,” “You always lose,” “You always get what you want,” “You always make me do this,” etc., to ask for your partner’s cooperation and support.
Listen actively. When your partner is speaking, listen actively and attentively. Please pay attention to what they are saying and how they are feeling. Try to understand their point of view and their emotions. Also, please don’t interrupt, judge, or criticize them. Ask questions to clarify or confirm your understanding. Repeat or paraphrase what you heard to show that you are listening and to check your comprehension.
Express yourself clearly. When it is your turn to speak, express yourself clearly and respectfully. Use simple, direct language to convey your feelings, needs, and desires. Avoid using sarcasm, insults, or threats that may hurt or offend your partner. Use “I” statements instead of “you” to avoid blaming or accusing your partner. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” say, “I feel ignored when you don’t listen to me”.
Use “I” statements. When it is your turn to speak, use “I” statements rather than “you” statements to communicate your emotions, needs, and desires. “I” statements start with “I.” and focus on yourself, not on your partner. They also show that you take responsibility for your own emotions and actions, not that you blame or accuse your partner. For example, instead of saying, “You always make me angry,” say, “I feel angry when you do this.” “I” statements can help you communicate more effectively and constructively with your partner.
Acknowledge and validate. When your partner is speaking, acknowledge and validate their feelings, needs, and desires. Show that you understand and respect their perspective and emotions. Don’t dismiss, deny, or minimize them. For example, instead of saying, “That’s not true,” say, “I see how you feel about that”. Acknowledging and validating can help you build rapport and trust with your partner.
Seek common ground. When possible, seek common ground or shared interests with your partner. Find out what they like, dislike, or value in the relationship or life. Try to find areas of agreement or compromise that satisfy both of you. For example, instead of saying, “You always do this,” say, “Can we agree on this?”.

How do you deal with common relationship problems arising from arguing?

Arguing in a relationship can sometimes lead to common relationship problems such as:

Lack of intimacy. If arguments are frequent, intense, or unresolved over time, they may reduce the intimacy between partners who feel distant, disconnected, or unloved by each other. They may also affect physical intimacy by causing stress, anxiety, or insomnia that may prevent them from being affectionate or sexual with each other.
Lack of trust. If disputes are frequent, intense, or unresolved over time, they may damage the trust between partners who feel betrayed, deceived, or insecure by each other. They may also affect emotional intimacy by causing resentment, anger, or bitterness that may prevent them from being honest or loyal to each other.
Lack of respect. If fights are frequent, intense, or unresolved over time, they may erode the relationship between partners who feel disrespected, humiliated, or offended by each other. They may also affect social intimacy by causing isolation, withdrawal, or conflict that may prevent them from being supportive or cooperative with each other.

If these problems occur in a relationship due to arguing, here are some tips and strategies that can help you by reconnecting:

Emotionally. Reconnect emotionally with your partner by spending quality time together. Doing things that you both enjoy or find it relaxing. Share your thoughts, feelings, and memories. Express appreciation, gratitude, and affection for each other. Reconnecting emotionally can help restore intimacy, trust, and respect in the relationship.
Physically. Do it with your partner by engaging in physical activities, such as cuddling, kissing, holding hands, or making love. Touching, hugging, or caressing each other can release oxytocin, the hormone of love, increasing the bond between partners. Reconnecting physically can help restore intimacy, trust, and respect in the relationship.
Socially. You can do it with your partner by spending quality time together doing things you enjoy or find relaxing. Share your thoughts, feelings, and memories. Express appreciation, gratitude, and affection. For each other, reconnecting socially can help restore the relationship’s intimacy, trust, and respect.

Conclusion: Is arguing a natural part of every relationship?

Conflict is a normal part of any relationship. Arguing can be healthy, beneficial, and even romantic for some couples. However, it can also be harmful, destructive, and even abusive to others. The key is to know how to say it in a way that respects, listens, and resolves conflicts.

We hope this article has helped you understand the benefits and risks of arguing in a relationship. Remember that acceptance is sometimes good for your relationship. It depends on how you do it and how it affects you and your partner. The most important thing is communicating effectively and respectfully and finding solutions that work for both of you.

If you have any questions or comments on, Is Arguing a Natural Part of Every Relationship, feel free to leave them below. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you at the next one.

References:

CNBC. 2020, November 22. Can’t stop arguing with your partner? Psychologists on how to do it in a healthy way. https://www.cnbc.com/2020/11/22/how-to-argue-with-your-partner-healthy-way-psychologists-and-relationship-expert-advice.html

A Conscious Rethink. 2019, October 23. Is arguing healthy in a relationship? (+ How often do you argue with your partner?) https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/10666/arguing-healthy-relationship/

Bustle. 2019, August 18. 7 ways arguing benefits your relationship according to experts. https://www.bustle.com/p/7-ways-arguing-benefits-your-relationship-according-to-experts-8268192

TED Ideas. 2018, May 18. Most couples need to be fighting more, not less. Here’s why and how to do it. https://ideas.ted.com/most-couples-need-to-be-fighting-more-not-less-heres-why-and-how-to-do-it/

Paired. (n.d.). Is it normal to fight in a relationship? Arguing in a relationship. https://www.paired.com/articles/conflict/is-it-normal-to-fight-in-a-relationship

Positive Psychology. (n.d.). Conflict resolution in relationships & couples: 5 strategies. https://positivepsychology.com/conflict-resolution-relationships/