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Keeping Your Cool with Difficult Family Members

How to be assertive without being misunderstood? Imagine you are at the dinner table with your family. Your parents have announced that they have signed you up for summer camp. They say it will be good for you to make friends and learn skills. Besides, they seem very excited and proud of their decision.

But you are not. You hate the idea of going to summer camp. Besides, you don’t like being away from home, sleeping in a tent, or doing outdoor activities. Additionally, you have other plans for your summer, like playing the piano, reading books, or hanging out with your best friend.

You want to tell your parents how you feel. Also, you want to say no to summer camp. But you need to learn how! Truthfully, you fear they will be angry, disappointed, or hurt. Similarly, you are worried they will think you are ungrateful, selfish, or lazy. Besides, you are afraid they will not listen or respect your feelings.

So you keep quiet, nod, smile, and pretend you are happy and excited, too. But inside, you are not. Undoubtedly, you are frustrated, angry, and hurt.

Does this sound familiar? Have you ever been in a situation like this? Many children and families struggle with communication issues. Sometimes, finding the right balance between passive and aggressive can be challenging. The former means you don’t speak up for yourself or your needs. You may avoid conflict or give in to others easily, while the latter means that you speak up for yourself or your needs in a disrespectful or hurtful way. Sometimes, you may use harsh words, threats, or violence.

Neither of these styles is healthy or effective. They can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and resentment. Unquestionably, they can also damage your self-esteem and your relationships.

So what is the alternative? The answer is being assertive. Being assertive means that you speak up for yourself or your needs in a way that is respectful and appropriate. Importantly, you express your thoughts and feelings clearly and honestly without hurting or offending others. You also listen to and respect the thoughts and feelings of others, even if they are different from yours.

Being assertive can help you improve your communication skills, confidence, and relationships. It can also help you reduce stress, avoid conflicts, and solve problems. As a result, it can make you feel happier and more fulfilled.

But how do we become more assertive? How do we communicate effectively without being misunderstood? This article will teach tips and strategies to help us learn and practice assertiveness. We will also learn some examples of how to apply them in different situations.

Know what you want or need.

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”–Alice Walker

The first step to being assertive is to know what you want or need in a given situation. It may seem simple, but sometimes, we only know what we want or need once we take some time to reflect on it. We may be influenced by what others want or expect from us or what we think we should want or need.

To be clear about your wants and needs, first, you should be honest. Next, recognize and accept your feelings, opinions, preferences, and values. Then, respect yourself and your rights as a person. Look at the sample scenario below to help you identify what you want or need.

Situation 1: Suppose your parents want you to join the soccer team at school, but you don’t like soccer at all. You prefer to play the piano instead. Reflect on the following questions;

What is the situation? My parents want me to join the soccer team at school.
How do I feel about it? I feel pressured and unhappy.
What do I want or need from it? I want to play the piano instead of soccer.
Why do I want or need it? Because I enjoy playing the piano more than soccer. It makes me happy and relaxed.
Is it reasonable and realistic? Yes, it is practical and sensible to pursue my interests and hobbies.
How important is it to me? It is essential because it is part of who I am and what I love.

By contemplating these inquiries, you can attain clearness of your wants and needs. Moreover, you can also practice communicating with them in a way that is both assertive and respectful.

Use “I” statements when addressing an issue.

“The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well-being of others.” – Sharon Anthony Bower

The second step to assertiveness is using “I” statements when handling a problem or conveying your needs. “I” statements are sentences that start with “I” and describe how you feel or think about something. They differ from “you” statements, with “you” and how someone else feels or thinks about something. “I” statements are more effective than “you” statements because they:

First, focus on your feelings and needs rather than blaming or criticizing others.
Second, it shows respect for yourself and others.
Third, it avoids defensiveness or hostility.
Fourth, it encourages cooperation and understanding.

To make an “I” statement, you can follow the following formula and sample situation.

Situation 2: Suppose your brother always borrows your clothes without asking and returns them dirty or damaged. You can make an “I” statement like this:

I feel (state your feeling). I feel angry and disrespected…
When (state the situation or behavior that causes your feeling). …when you borrow my clothes without asking and return them dirty or damaged.
Because (state why the situation or behavior causes your feelings)…because it shows that you don’t care about my belongings or feelings.
I need (state what you want or need to change or happen). Please ask me before you borrow my clothes and return them clean and in good condition.

By making an “I” statement, you can express your feelings and needs clearly and respectfully. You can also avoid accusing or insulting your brother, which could make him defensive or angry.

Practice active listening.

The third step to being assertive is to practice active listening. It is a skill that concerns paying awareness to what someone else is saying and showing that you understand and care. It is essential for assertiveness because of the following:

Firstly, it demonstrates consideration for the other person’s emotions and thoughts.
Secondly, it helps you know the other person’s perspective and needs.
Thirdly, it builds trust and rapport.
Fourthly, it reduces misunderstandings and conflicts.
Lastly, it opens the door for compromise and solutions.

To practice active listening, you can use these techniques with examples about a friend.

Situation 3: Suppose your friend is upset because she failed a math test. You can practice active listening like this:

Maintain eye contact and a relaxed posture. You look her in the eyes and sit beside her on the couch.
Nod or make sounds to show that you are listening. Nod your head and say “uh-huh” or “I see” as she talks.
Ask questions to clarify or confirm what the other person is saying. Say, “What happened on the test?” or “How did you prepare for it?”
Paraphrase or summarize what the other person is saying in your own words. “So you studied hard, yet you still didn’t do well on the test.”
Reflect or name the feelings that the other person is expressing. Say, “You must be feeling disappointed and frustrated.”
Express empathy or support for the other person’s feelings. You say, “I’m sorry you had such a bad experience. I know how hard you worked for it.”

By practicing active listening, you can show your friend that you care about her and understand her. You can also help her feel better and more confident.

Be confident.

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” – Harvey Fierstein

The fourth step to being assertive is to be confident. Confidence is a feeling of trust in yourself and your abilities. Confidence is significant for assertiveness because it:

Shows that you value yourself and your rights
Makes your message more convincing
Inspires respect and admiration from others
Boosts your self-esteem and happiness

To be confident, you can use these strategies:

Pay attention to your body language. Stand or sit well, maintain eye contact, speak appropriately, and calm your body. You approach your teacher after class, look him in the eyes, speak clearly and politely, smile, and nod as he talks.
Use positive self-talk. Substitute unfavorable beliefs with optimistic ones, such as “I can do this” or “I deserve respect. “Say, “I have nothing to lose by asking for help” or “My teacher will appreciate my initiative.”
Prepare yourself. Think ahead of what you want to say or do, practice in front of a mirror or with a friend, anticipate possible reactions or objections, and have a plan B if things don’t go as expected. You think of what you want to say to your teacher, practice it at home, have some questions ready, and have a backup plan if he is busy or unavailable.
Learn from your experiences. Recognize your strengths and achievements, acknowledge your mistakes and failures, seek feedback and advice, and try new things and challenges. Remember how you asked for help before, and it worked out well. You accept any feedback or suggestions from your teacher and try to apply what you learned to improve your project.

By being confident, you can communicate assertively without being nervous or insecure. You can also achieve your goals and feel proud of yourself.

Choose the right timing.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

The fifth and final step to being assertive is to choose the right timing. Timing is the act of choosing when to do or say something. Timing is also significant for assertiveness because it:

It affects how your message is received and understood
Shows respect for the other person’s situation and mood
Increases the chances of a positive outcome
It avoids unnecessary stress or conflict

To choose the right timing, you can use these tips and consider them;

Level of the urgency of the issue. You should address something as soon as possible if something is urgent. If the problem is not critical, you should wait for a better opportunity.
Time availability of the other person. Also, if the other person is busy, distracted, or in a hurry, wait until they are free, focused, or relaxed.
The mood of the other person. If the other person is angry, sad, or stressed, wait until they are calmer, happy, or relaxed.
Context of the situation. Moreover, consider if it is public, noisy, or crowded; you may want to wait until it is more private, quiet, or spacious.

Conclusion

Altogether, we have learned how to be assertive without being misunderstood. We have seen that assertiveness is a skill that can help us communicate effectively and respectfully. Aside from that, we have seen that assertiveness can help us improve our confidence and relationships.

By following the steps mentioned, we can express ourselves clearly and respectfully. Furthermore, we can listen to and respect others. Besides, we can make ourselves heard and understood. Above all, we can be assertive without being rude.

We hope that this article has also inspired you to be more assertive in your life. Remember that assertiveness is not something that you have or don’t have. It is something that you can learn and practice. Importantly, it is something that you can do!

As Eleanor Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” So don’t let anyone make you feel inferior. Don’t let anyone make you feel misunderstood. Importantly, don’t let anyone make you feel unhappy. Be assertive, be yourself, and be happy!

There you go on our article on How to Be Assertive Without Being Misunderstood in the Family. May we all enjoy talking with our family members or others. We hope you find it helpful and informative. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them below. Thanks for reading, and see you at the next one!