Beyond Handouts, How to Empower Others

Have you ever asked yourself how to help people grow? Also, have you ever had a friend or a relative who asked you for money and never paid you back? Have you ever felt guilty or angry for saying no or asking for your money back? How about wondering if you are helping or hurting them by giving them money?

Many people struggle with this dilemma, especially when they care about the person asking for money. They want to help but avoid being taken advantage of or enabling bad habits. As well as that, they don’t want to ruin their relationship or reputation by being stingy or rude.

So, what can you do in this situation? How can you help people grow instead of giving them money? Below are some tips and suggestions that I have learned based on personal and other people’s experiences:

Understand the difference between helping and enabling. 

Helping is when you do something for someone who cannot do it for themselves—for instance, giving a ride to the hospital when sick or injured. Enabling is when you do something for someone they can and should do for themselves, such as paying their bills when they are irresponsible, lazy, or too dependent. Helping empowers people to become more independent and responsible while enabling keeps them dependent and irresponsible. Remember the old cliche about teaching someone how to fish and giving them a fish? The former helps them feed themselves for a lifetime, while the latter only feeds them for a day.

For example, your friend asks you for money to buy groceries because he lost his job. If you give him money without any conditions, you give him a free pass to avoid looking for work. Whereas, if you offer to help him find a job, teach him how to budget his money, or go grocery shopping with him and show him how to buy healthy and affordable food, you are helping him to become more self-reliant and resilient.

Assess the situation and the person. 

Before you give money or not, you should assess the circumstances and the person asking for money. You should ask yourself questions such as: Why do they need money? Is it an emergency or a luxury? How often do they ask for money? Do they have a plan to pay you back? Also, do they have a history of being honest and reliable? Do they have a job or a source of income?

Additionally, do they have a budget or a savings account? Do they have any addiction or mental health issues? The answers will provide you with the information you need to make an informed decision about whether or not to give him money.

For example, imagine your cousin asking you for money to buy a new laptop because his old one broke down. If he is using the money for a productive purpose, he will likely be able to repay you. Then, lending him money may be a wise decision; however, if he wants the laptop for gaming or entertainment and has a bad habit of borrowing money and not paying it back. Also, if he has yet to learn how he will repay you, then giving him money may not be appropriate.

Offer alternatives or solutions.

 If you decide not to give money or want to give more than money, you can offer alternative solutions to help the person grow and improve their situation. For example, you can offer to help them find a job, create a budget, open a savings account, enroll in a course, join a support group, or seek professional help. Moreover, offer them your skills, time, advice, or connections instead of money. You can also refer them to other resources or organizations that can help them better than you can.

For example, your sister asks you for money to pay her rent because she spent all her paycheck shopping and partying. Instead of giving her money, you can help her find a cheaper apartment, teach her how to manage her money better, suggest ways to earn extra income or introduce her to people who can mentor or counsel her. Besides, you can direct her to some websites or books to educate her on financial literacy or personal growth.

Set boundaries and expectations. 

If you decide to give money or have already given some, set boundaries and expectations with the person asking for it. Make it clear how much money you are willing to lend and when and how he will pay you. Also, what consequences will happen if they don’t pay back, and what conditions do they need to meet to receive more money? You should also keep track of the money you give and receive and only allow what you can afford or what they need. Avoid presenting money secretly or lying about it to others.

For example, your brother asks you for money to start a business. If you decide to give him money, you should make a written agreement that specifies how much money you are giving him, when, and how he will pay you back. In addition, what interest rate or profit share will he share with you? What will happen if he fails to pay you back or his business fails? Also, please take note of what milestones or goals he needs to achieve to receive more money from you. Have a record of your transactions and receipts. Importantly, inform your family or friends about your arrangement.

Be firm but compassionate. 

Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and say no. You should also be compassionate in understanding the situation and feelings and not judge or harshly criticize them. Similarly, express your care and concern and let them know you are willing to help them in other ways besides giving money.

For example, your friend asks you for money to pay his gambling debts. If you refuse to give him money, he may try to make you feel sorry for him or angry at him. He may also accuse you of being selfish or ungrateful. Be firm in saying no and explaining your reasons. Also, be compassionate in empathizing with his struggles and emotions. Additionally, show your care and concern for him and offer to help him find a solution or get help for his gambling problem.

Conclusion

So, how do we help people grow? You can help people develop resources and solutions instead of just providing a quick fix. You can also protect yourself from financial stress and emotional distress and maintain healthy and respectful relationships with others. Remember that giving money is not always the best way to help people. Sometimes, it can even harm them more than help them. Instead of giving money, try extending your love, support, guidance, and encouragement. That’s what matters in the end. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you at the next one!