At its core, discipline isn’t about control; it’s about connection and guidance. As someone once said, parenting is one of the bravest journeys anyone can take. Yet, let’s face it, that journey often feels like facing a stormy sea. We all know the feeling- you’re trying to teach your child about right and wrong, trying to help them manage those big, overwhelming emotions, and just trying to instill a little bit of responsibility. But sometimes, it feels like they’re speaking a different language. You’re left wondering how to make them listen, how to get them to follow simple instructions, or how to get through the day without a meltdown.

In those moments of frustration, it’s tempting to reach for a quick solution, something that promises immediate obedience. And that’s where the idea of invoking a family member’s name as a threat creeps in. We’ve all heard it, maybe even said it ourselves: “Just wait until Grandma finds out!” or “Do you want me to call Aunt Arlene and tell her what you did?” It seems like a shortcut, a way to instantly regain control.

But while it might stop the immediate behavior, using someone’s name as a fear tactic can have unintended consequences. It’s like putting a band-aid on a deeper wound. In this article, we’ll explore five reasons why relying on this method can worsen things in the long run. More importantly, we’ll equip you with eight practical, positive discipline strategies that build absolute respect, foster understanding, and create a healthier, more communicative relationship with your child or niece/nephew.

5 Reasons Why This Approach Can Backfire

It’s Based on Fear, Not Respect

Why does using a family member’s name as a threat not work and can cause more harm than good? Essentially, it boils down to this- you’re trading respect for fear. And that’s a bad trade!

Fear vs. Understanding. Imagine telling your kid, “Grandma’s gonna be so mad if you don’t clean your room!” Sure, they might scramble to clean, but they’re not learning why a clean room is good. They’re just avoiding Grandma’s “wrath.”

• It’s like forcing someone to eat vegetables by saying a monster will get them if they don’t. They eat, but they don’t learn to like vegetables.

The Problem with Fear. When kids constantly act out of fear, they don’t develop an internal sense of good or bad. They learn to avoid getting caught. Thus, this strategy can lead to:

• Resentment towards you and the family member involved.
• Anxiety and stress.
• A feeling of disconnection from you, the person they should trust the most.

Respect is Built, Not Demanded. Real respect comes from positive interactions, showing kids why certain behaviors are important, and building trust. Using a family member as a “scare tactic” undermines that trust. It can create awkwardness for the family member who suddenly feels like the “bad guy,” making your child feel like relationships are conditional.

So, if you want your child to understand why they should behave well, not just be afraid of the consequences. You want them to learn to make good choices because they know the value of those choices, not because they’re scared of someone else’s reaction.

Can Lead to Emotional Distance

Next, why dragging other family members into discipline can push your kids away? Okay, imagine you’re a kid, maybe a teenager, and every time you mess up a little, you hear, “I’m telling Aunt Carol!” or “Grandpa’s gonna hear about this!” At first, yeah, you might feel a little jolt of worry. But after a while? Someone else always hangs over you, even when they’re not there.

So, you start feeling like your parents aren’t dealing with you. They’re outsourcing the whole “teaching you stuff” thing. And that can create a real gap, an emotional distance. You start to feel less close to them and maybe even slightly annoyed at the relative who’s always being brought up.

• When we constantly use other people as “threats,” kids don’t learn how their actions directly affect their relationship with us.
• It breaks that vital connection between what they do and what happens next within the immediate family.
• Also, it makes it harder for them to understand why it’s essential to listen to you, the parent or caregiver, right there and then.

It’s like building a wall instead of a bridge. So, instead of saying, “Wait till Uncle Bob hears,” try to focus on what you can do right now. It’s about showing your kids that you’re the one who sets the rules and is there to help them learn. Healthy discipline builds on the bond between parent and child, not on bringing in reinforcements. If you want your kids to listen, make the consequences clear and keep them within the family circle.

Undermines Your Authority as a Parent

Remember, you’re your kid’s main guide, the one they should look to for direction. But when you pull in someone else to be the “bad guy,” it kind of messes with that. So, why it can backfire:

• You’re giving away your power. Imagine you’re trying to teach your kid to clean their room. If you say, “If you don’t clean it, Grandma’s gonna be so mad,” you’re telling them, “I don’t have the power here, Grandma does.” They start to think your rules don’t matter as much.
• It confuses them. Kids need to know who’s in charge. If you’re constantly bringing in backup, they might wonder, “Who do I have to listen to?” It creates a blurry line, and that’s not helpful.
• They might only behave when that person is around. If they only listen when they think Uncle Bob is watching, what happens when he’s not? They haven’t learned to behave because it’s the good thing to do but because they fear someone else.

Therefore, you want to be the one your child looks to for guidance. You want them to respect your rules, not just fear someone else’s reaction. Being consistent and confident in your authority is key. Remember, you’re the captain of your ship; don’t let anyone keep the steering wheel far from you!

It’s a Quick Fix, Not a Long-Term Solution

I understand you’re at your wit’s end and need your kid to stop now. So, you might say something like, “If you don’t stop that, I’m calling Grandma!” And, yeah, it could work for a minute. Your kid freezes, and the immediate problem seems solved. But it’s a short-term win with long-term drawbacks.

Think of it like a leaky faucet. You could stick a piece of tape over the leak, and it’ll stop dripping for a little while. But eventually, the tape will peel off, and the leak will return. That happens when you use someone else’s name as a threat. So, why it’s not a good long-term plan?

1. Doesn’t teach them anything. 

• It doesn’t help your child understand why their behavior was wrong.
• Also, it doesn’t give them tools to manage their feelings or make better choices next time.

2. Loses its power.

• Kids are smart. They quickly realize that you won’t always call Aunt Mary or Uncle Bob.
• Eventually, they’ll stop taking the threat seriously.

3. Can undermine your authority.

• If you always rely on someone else to “fix” the problem, your child might start to see you as less capable.
• They might think you don’t have the tools to handle the situation.

4. Creates fear and lack of understanding.

• Discipline should be about teaching, not scaring.
• Fear-based discipline is not a healthy way to raise a child.

The bottom line? We want our kids to learn to make good choices because they understand why it’s essential, not because they fear getting in trouble with someone else. We must focus on strategies that build lasting understanding and cooperation, not just quick fixes that rely on fear.

Can Cause Unnecessary Stress and Tension

When a family member’s name is used as a threat, it can cause stress—not only for the child but also for the family member being invoked. For example, if a parent threatens to call a distant relative, that person might not want to be involved, leading to awkwardness, tension, and confusion. The child may even feel betrayed if they realize a trusted family member is being dragged into the conflict.

Moreover, this tactic can stress the parent who needs to involve someone else to “back them up.” It can feel like an admission that they’re incapable of managing the situation independently, which can lead to frustration and guilt.

Thus, discipline should be a collaborative process between the parent and the child, without involving other family members unless necessary. It’s essential to manage stress within the family in healthy, open ways rather than relying on external forces to control behavior.

8 Effective Discipline Strategies

(…for building healthy relationships)

Now that we’ve explored why using a family member’s name as a threat can be problematic, let’s examine eight discipline strategies that foster positive behavior, respect, and trust. These strategies will help you build a stronger relationship with your child while encouraging responsible behavior.

1. Set Clear, Consistent Expectations

Children thrive when they know what’s expected of them. Instead of resorting to threats, establish clear, simple rules that everyone in the family can follow. Consistency is key. When your child understands the consequences of their actions, they’re more likely to make better choices.

2. Use Positive Reinforcement

Rather than focusing on punishments, emphasize what your child is doing right. Positive reinforcement- like praise or small rewards, encourages your child to repeat good behavior. Think of it as planting seeds that will grow into positive habits over time.

3. Incorporate Natural Consequences

Sometimes, the best way to teach a child is to let them experience the natural consequences of their actions. For example, if they forget their homework, they’ll face the consequences at school. If they don’t clean their room, they might be unable to find their favorite toy. These natural consequences teach responsibility in a way that threats never will.

4. Be a Role Model

Children learn by example. If you want your child to follow the rules, be sure you’re modeling the behavior you want to see. Whether being respectful, staying calm in stressful situations, or following your laws, your child always watches and learns from you.

5. Provide Choices and Autonomy

Give your child some control over their decisions. Offering choices, like picking between two chores or choosing the time to complete their homework, empowers your child and reduces the likelihood of resistance. Children are more likely to cooperate when they are involved in decision-making.

6. Communicate Openly

Have open conversations with your child about their feelings and behavior. Understanding why specific actions are essential makes them more likely to internalize those lessons. Communication should be a two-way street where you and your child feel heard.

7. Establish a Routine

A consistent routine helps children feel secure and reduces anxiety. When they know what to expect each day, such as mealtime, bedtime, or study time, they are likelier to follow the rules without constant reminders.

8. Stay Calm and Patient

Lastly, remember that discipline takes time. Stay calm and patient when things don’t go as planned. Children are still learning how to face the world, and it’s your job to guide them, not to control them. Patience and understanding go a long way in building trust.

The bottom line is that we’re not just raising kids but building relationships. And those relationships thrive on warmth, understanding, and trust, not fear. Instead of those “wait till…” threats, imagine honest conversations with your kids, setting clear expectations, and celebrating their wins. It’s about showing them, “I get you, and I’m here to help you figure this out.” It’s about understanding that discipline isn’t about punishment but guidance. It’s about teaching your child how to face the world, make good choices, and understand their feelings.

And you know what? When you focus on positive discipline, you’re not just helping your child. You’re helping yourself, too. You’re creating a home where everyone feels safe, respected, and loved. Of course, it’s not always easy. There will be bumps in the road. But remember, you’re building something beautiful, something lasting.

If you’re ready to drop the threats and try a more positive approach, take a moment to reflect on your current discipline methods. What’s one small change you can make today to start building that more substantial, more loving connection with your child? Share your thoughts in the comments below. Voila! Until next time!

Additional References/ Further Readings:

Sege, R. D., & Siegel, B. S. (2018). Effective discipline to raise healthy children. Pediatrics, 142(6), e20183112. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2018-3112

Durrant, J. E., & Ensom, R. (2012). Physical punishment of children: Lessons from 20 years of research. Canadian Medical Association Journal, 184(12), 1373-1377. https://doi.org/10.1503/cmaj.101314