How to Deal With a Toxic Family Member?
This article is a simple and easy-to-follow psychological guide to dealing with toxic family members, hoping to assist you in keeping your physical, mental, and emotional soundness. How do you deal with toxic family members? Family is supposed to be a source of strength, understanding, and stability. But what if your family is the opposite? What if your family members are the ones who are making you feel unloved, unsupported, and uncomfortable? How do you cope with them and protect yourself from their harm?
Toxic family members and relatives harm another person, either knowingly or unknowingly. They may try to control your life, relationships, and career decisions. Also, they may cause relationship harm between other family members by lying, dividing, and conquering them. Sadly, toxic family members and relatives can be anyone related to you by blood.
Undeniably, it is hard to cut them off when you have to be around them. You may not feel love, compassion, or respect from them but contempt or disdain.
If you have experienced a toxic family environment growing up or are currently dealing with one, you may feel anxious, depressed, angry, guilty, or hopeless. Aside from this, you may have low self-esteem, poor boundaries, trust issues, or difficulty forming healthy relationships. You may also wonder why they treat you this way and what you can do to change them or yourself.
The truth is, you cannot change them. You can only change yourself and how you respond to them. In today’s article, I will show you how to deal with toxic family members by using the following steps, which are all based on research;
- First, identify the signs of toxicity
- Secondly, let healthy boundaries
- Next, communicate assertively
- Then, seek support and therapy
- Finally, consider cutting ties
By employing these measures, you can enhance your mental and emotional well-being and reduce the impact of toxic family members on your life. However, before we dive into these steps, I need to make some important disclaimers:
- Firstly, these steps are not meant to blame or shame anyone. They aim to help you understand and cope with the situation. You are not responsible for their behavior or choices. Ultimately, you are responsible for yours.
- Secondly, these steps are meant to supplement professional help. Mainly, they hope to increase it. If you are feeling overwhelmed or cannot cope with the toxic behavior of your family members, it is essential to seek professional help.
- Thirdly, these steps are meant to apply to only some situations. Everyone’s situation is different, so what works for one person may not work for another. Listen to your inner voice and observe the problem you are in.
With these disclaimers, let us begin our psychological guide to dealing with toxic family members!
Step 1: Identify the signs of toxicity
The first step to a psychological guide to dealing with toxic family members is to identify the signs of toxicity in their behavior. Toxicity can manifest in different ways depending on the person and the situation, but some common symptoms are when they:
- criticize, judge, or belittle you constantly
- manipulate, guilt-trip, or gaslight you frequently
- ignore, neglect, or reject your needs and feelings
- violate, invade, or disrespect your boundaries and privacy
- control, dominate, or interfere with your decisions and actions
- lie, cheat, or steal from you regularly
- abuse you physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually
These signs may be a sign of toxicity, and it is crucial to address them. However, if you are concerned about their behavior, it is always a good idea to talk to them about it. These are only indicators of possible toxicity and may vary depending on the person, the situation, and the context. Therefore, you should always look for multiple signs that occur together or in sequence rather than relying on a single cue. Also, compare their current behavior to their usual behavior when they are not stressed or under pressure. By paying attention to their behavior over time, you can identify what is normal for them and what is not.
As Helen Keller said, “The best and the most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched. They must be felt with the heart.” Even though toxic family members may not see or touch your beauty, you can feel it. You earn to be treated with consideration and compassion, not toxicity and harm.
Step 2: Set healthy boundaries
The second step in a psychological guide to dealing with toxic family members is to set unambiguous boundaries on what you will and will not accept from them. Boundaries are the limits for yourself and others regarding what is acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship. They aid you in guarding your physical, emotional, and mental well-being, as well as your identity, autonomy, and values.
Advantages of Setting Healthy Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries with toxic family members can help you:
- First, specify what you will and will not tolerate from them.
- Second, express your conditions and anticipations plainly and respectfully.
- Third, avoid getting involved in their drama or problems.
- Fourth, preserve your time, energy, and resources for yourself and other positive relationships.
- Fifth, reduce the frequency and intensity of conflicts and arguments.
Examples of Setting Healthy Boundaries
Some examples of healthy boundaries that you can set with toxic family members are:
- Saying no to their unreasonable or harmful requests or demands respectfully.
- Also, limit the amount or type of contact that you have with them.
- Or, decline to participate in their gossip, criticism, or manipulation.
- Then, ask them to stop or leave if they are being abusive or disrespectful.
- Finally, walk away or hang up if they are being hostile or aggressive.
Setting healthy boundaries with toxic family members can be challenging, especially if you are not used to it or if they resist or react negatively. However, remember that setting boundaries is not selfish or rude. It is necessary and healthy for your well-being and happiness. As well as that, you have the right to set boundaries and expect others to respect them. You have the responsibility to respect the boundaries of others.
As Oprah Winfrey said, “Be thankful for what you have; you will have more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never have enough.” Although your toxic family members may not appreciate what you have, you can be thankful for what you have and offer. You are wise enough to know what is best for you and to make decisions that will keep you safe and healthy.
Step 3: Communicate assertively
The third step in a psychological guide to dealing with toxic family members is to be respectful but firm in communication. Being assertive is a way of expressing your feelings honestly and directly but being considerate of others’ feelings. On the contrary, it differs from passive communication, which avoids or suppresses your expression, and from aggressive communication, which is attacking or hurting others with your words.
Communicating assertively with toxic family members can help you:
- First, convey your message clearly and effectively.
- Second, stand up for yourself and your rights.
- Third, resolve conflicts and misunderstandings peacefully.
- Fourth, build trust and respect in the relationship.
- Fifth, enhance your self-esteem and confidence.
Some examples of assertive communication that you can use with toxic family members are as follows;
- First, use “I” statements instead of “you” to communicate your sentiments and thoughts without criticizing or blaming them. For example, instead of saying, “You are so selfish and rude,” you can say, “I feel hurt and angry when you ignore my calls.”
- Second, find facts instead of judgments to describe their behavior without labeling or criticizing them. For example, instead of saying, “You are a liar and a cheater,” you can say, “You told me you were at work, but I saw you at the mall with someone else.”
- Third, say positive feedback instead of negative feedback to acknowledge their strengths or efforts without dismissing or undermining them. For example, instead of saying, “You never do anything right,” you can say, “You did a good job on this project.”
- Fourth, compromising instead of requesting a middle ground or a win-win solution without forcing or threatening them. For example, instead of saying, “You either do what I say or get out of my life,” you can say, “Can we find a way to make this work for both of us?”.
Indeed, communicating assertively with toxic family members can be challenging, primarily if you are scared of their reaction or if they are not receptive or cooperative. They may misinterpret you and think that you are already talking back to them. However, remember that communicating assertively is not mean or rude. It is respectful and constructive for both parties. Of course, you have the right to express your feelings and needs clearly and directly. Also, you are responsible for responding to others’ communication in a respectful and considerate way.
As Jim Rohn said, “You don’t get paid for the hour. You get paid for the value you bring to the hour.” Toxic family members may not appreciate your value in the relationship, but you can communicate it assertively. You have enough weight, worth, and dignity to express yourself and be heard.
Step 4: Seek support and therapy
The fourth step in a psychological guide to dealing with toxic family members is to seek support and therapy. Support is the help or assistance from others who care about you and understand your situation. Therapy is professional help or guidance that can provide personalized advice and treatment.
Seeking support and therapy from toxic family members can help you:
- Feel less alone and isolated in your struggle
- Gain new perspectives and insights into your situation
- Discover fresh skills and techniques to manage toxicity
- Heal from any trauma or damage caused by toxicity
- Grow as a person and achieve your goals
Some examples of support and therapy that you can seek from toxic family members are:
- Contact your friends, relatives, colleagues, mentors, or other trusted people who can listen to you, empathize, encourage, or advise you.
- Join a support group, online forum, chat room, or hotline to connect with others with similar experiences or challenges.
- Find a therapist, counselor, coach, or mentor who can work with you one-on-one or in a group setting to help you understand and overcome your issues.
- Depending on your needs and preferences, explore different types of therapy.
Seeking support and therapy from toxic family members can be practical, particularly if you are dazzled or attached to your condition. However, remember that seeking help from others is not weak or shameful. It is brave and wise for your well-being and happiness. You can seek support and therapy and expect others to respect your choice.
As Reba McEntire said, “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” Even if your toxic family members do not believe in you, you can still find support from others. You can surround yourself with people who believe in your potential and who will encourage you to succeed.
Step 5: Consider cutting ties
The fifth and final step in a psychological guide to dealing with toxic family members is to consider cutting ties with them. Cutting ties is ending or limiting contact with someone harmful or unhealthy for you. It is a drastic but sometimes necessary measure to protect yourself from further damage or danger.
Cutting ties with toxic family members can help you:
- Break free from their influence and control
- Prevent further abuse or manipulation
- Restore your peace and happiness
- Reclaim your identity and autonomy
- Pursue your dreams and aspirations
Some examples of cutting ties with toxic family members are:
- Blocking their phone numbers, email addresses, social media accounts, or other means of communication
- Moving out of their house, neighborhood, city, or country
- Changing your name, job, school, or lifestyle
- Cutting off any financial, legal, or emotional ties or obligations
- Telling them clearly and firmly that you no longer want any contact with them
Distancing yourself from toxic family members can be both empowering and emotionally taxing. It may involve losing them and other family members or friends who side with them or disagree with your decision. It may include facing guilt, anger, sadness, loneliness, or regret. Also, you may wonder if you made the right choice or could have done something differently.
However, cutting ties is not cruel or selfish. It is courageous and self-respecting for your well-being and happiness. You can cut a relationship with anyone who hurts you or harms you.
Arianna Huffington said, “We need to accept that we won’t always make the right decisions, that we’ll screw up royally sometimes―understanding that failure is not the opposite of success, it’s part of success.” Even if your family members don’t support you, you can still find the strength to accept your decisions and mistakes. You are capable of learning and growing from your experiences.
This concludes our psychological guide on how to deal with toxic family members. We hope you find it helpful and informative. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them below. Thanks for reading, and see you at the next one!
References:
Brown, J. (2020, November 23). The Source of Toxic Family Relations | Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/202011/the-source-toxic-family-relations
Cherney, K., & Legg, T. J. (2020, October 1). Toxic Relationships: Signs, Types, and How to Cope | Verywell Mind. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/toxic-relationships-5115088
Brown, J. (2019, December 18). To Estrange or Not to Estrange: Toxic Family Dynamics | Psychology Today. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201912/estrange-or-not-estrange-toxic-family-dynamics
Khan, H. (2019, December 4). Toxic family dynamics: 10 Signs to look for – PsychMechanics. PsychMechanics. https://www.psychmechanics.com/toxic-family-dynamics/
